


The Things That Want To Let Go

by giselleslash



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-02-28
Updated: 2012-02-28
Packaged: 2017-10-31 20:48:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/348227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/giselleslash/pseuds/giselleslash
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Arthur is expected to be a lot of things, but he gives himself one weekend to forget all those things he’s supposed to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Things That Want To Let Go

Arthur walked through the door of the club. He didn’t know what he was doing there. He’d been to one once before, on a lark, dragged there by a girlfriend and her friends at university. He’d pretended it didn’t affect him.

He felt a few interested pairs of eyes turn to look at him as he made his way to the bar. He kept his head down and only glanced up occasionally. He felt, well, he didn’t know what he felt. He felt like he was trapped inside a too small cage. He felt out of place in his skin, like he was someone else looking in. He’d never been wholly comfortable with himself so the feeling was not unfamiliar, but the intensity of it sort of took his breath away. He’d never felt so awkward and adrift.

“Want a beer?”

Arthur jumped at the voice in his ear. He turned to his left to look at the man offering. He was slightly taller than Arthur, dark and pale at the same time, and then he smiled and Arthur remembered why he was there in the first place.

This. This is what he wanted. The curve of a man’s jaw, long lean lines, narrow hips. He was sick to death of pretending. He wanted this one night. He needed it. He had to step away or he’d go crazy.

Arthur nodded in response to the man’s question and his smile widened.

“Merlin,” the man said as he pointed to himself. “What’re you called?”

“Arthur.”

Arthur found himself smiling and Merlin stared at him.

“What?” he asked. He wondered if there was something on his face.

Merlin just shook his head and said something under his breath that sounded like, ‘gorgeous’ to Arthur. It made him blush and the blush made Merlin laugh out loud.

“Fuck,” he said in disbelief as he reached out and touched Arthur’s arm. “Are you for real?”

Arthur had no idea how to respond to that, or if he even should. “Uh, yes?” he said with a confused frown.

Merlin laughed to himself again, but this time it was low and amused and only for him. The sound of it made Arthur’s breath hitch.

Merlin touched Arthur’s arm again. “Can I take you somewhere?” he asked. “Where I can actually hear your voice?”

Arthur hesitated for a second. He’d only just got there, was this how it was done? He hadn’t a clue. He thought he maybe ought to stay longer, look around for other options. This was the one night he had allowed himself to have what he wanted. He should be certain.

“Come with me, Arthur,” Merlin said again seeing Arthur’s hesitation.

Arthur found he liked the way Merlin said his name and he didn’t really need to think about whether or not he was certain, he had been certain the moment Merlin smiled.

“Okay,” Arthur nodded. “Yes.”

Merlin took his elbow and led him out of the club past couples dancing, kissing, and Arthur wondered what it must be like to live within yourself so completely at ease, to be fine with who you are.

Once they were outside on the pavement Merlin turned to him. “I know a place, absolute crap food but it’s quiet and cheap and I love it despite itself.”

Arthur thought it sounded perfect so he nodded his consent and followed Merlin.

~*~

“How’s your burger?” Merlin asked.

“Mm’good,” Arthur said around a mouthful of food, but when Merlin raised an expectant eyebrow at him he laughed and told the truth. “It’s terrible.”

“I know.” Merlin grinned. “Isn’t it fantastic?”

Arthur grinned back and shook his head. What do you say to that?

“I have a theory,” Merlin said, “about really bad food. Well, maybe not a theory, but a strongly held belief. I think all food should get a fair chance, even if it’s shite. I mean it’s not the food’s fault that the cook here can’t actually cook. I feel sorry for it, all it’s potential lost to a crap cook bored with his job. It’s sad, really, when you think about it.”

“So you eat here for the food’s sake? So it doesn’t feel disappointed?”

“I don’t want it to feel as if its life has been meaningless.”

Arthur looked at Merlin as he sat across from him in the booth, the tragic excuse for lighting cast a strange glow on him, but he made Arthur want things.

“I don’t know what to make of you,” he finally said.

“Few do.”

Arthur dragged a chip through the ketchup on his plate and smiled to himself as he said quietly, “I’m glad I’m not the only one.”

~*~

Arthur had been content to let Merlin talk throughout the meal. He liked listening to him and Merlin seemed fine taking over the conversation. Arthur had never heard so much about one person in so short a time. A strange sort of person with ideas Arthur barely followed.

Arthur couldn’t remember enjoying a conversation so much.

When they were finished and found themselves back outside Merlin had reached for Arthur’s hand but at the brush of Merlin’s fingers Arthur backed away. He felt his fingers stretch toward Merlin’s but he couldn’t make himself grab hold. He wasn’t like that. He just couldn’t.

Merlin had looked at him and said, ‘it’s okay,’ very quietly though Arthur knew it wasn’t. Merlin let him be, though, and instead of holding his hand contented himself with walking as close to Arthur as he could. Their shoulders and arms kept brushing and every time Arthur shivered. Sometimes he had to look away.

They walked for what felt like a long time but really wasn’t at all because when they made it to a tube station Arthur found they hadn’t walked together nearly long enough.

They stood at the entrance; Arthur with his hands in his pockets and Merlin looking at him. Arthur stared at the pavement beneath his feet and willed time to stand still so that moment could be his life. Not the awkwardness and indecision, but a man standing at his side looking at him and maybe wanting him just a little bit too.

Arthur looked up just as Merlin touched his bottom lip. He looked thoughtful and Arthur wanted to ask Merlin to tell him every little thing he was thinking just then, but instead all he could do was look at the spot where that long, pale finger touched Merlin’s lips.

“I want to kiss you.”

Arthur’s eyes shot up to Merlin’s.

“I want to kiss you and I know you won’t kiss me back. Not here.” Merlin kept his eyes on Arthur’s and instead of feeling nervous and anxious all he felt was anticipation. “Come back to mine.”

Merlin didn’t ask it like a question, he simply said it, so Arthur didn’t think he needed to answer. All he needed to do was follow Merlin when he turned and headed down the stairs of the station entrance.

~*~

Merlin’s flat was small but it felt lived in in a way Arthur’s own flat didn’t. Arthur’s looked like it was perpetually on display for a real estate viewing. Neat and tidy. Sterile. Merlin’s couch had a purple and orange afghan thrown over it that looked like it had been lovingly made by a very blind grandmother.

Arthur couldn’t move for a moment. He had to stand there and stare.

“Yeah, I know it’s a mess,” Merlin said.

“No.” Arthur shook his head. “No, it’s really not.”

Merlin let him stand and stare for a while and it was so quiet, more quiet than it had been all evening, and then suddenly Merlin’s fingers were brushing along his neck and Arthur had to close his eyes against the touch.

Merlin’s lips tasted sticky sweet, like the Coke he drank with dinner, and Arthur blindly reached out for him. His fingers clenched the front of Merlin’s shirt which was soft and worn and warm from the heat of Merlin’s skin.

It was the heat of Merlin’s skin that made Arthur suddenly desperate. He let go of Merlin’s shirt to wrap his arms around his waist. Arthur splayed his hands at the small of Merlin’s back and pulled him in, closer, and he felt Merlin arch underneath his touch. Merlin let out a surprised breath against Arthur’s mouth but kept kissing him, meeting Arthur’s desperation with a trace of his own.

Arthur felt Merlin’s hands slide along his neck and down to his chest and then Merlin’s lips pulled away, but they lingered along his jaw and Arthur didn’t feel the painful spike of absence he had anticipated with the end of the kiss.

“That was a long way to come for a kiss,” Merlin said, his lips still close to Arthur’s skin so he could feel every word against it.

Arthur licked his lips and tilted his head away from Merlin. All of a sudden he felt embarrassed at being such a prude, such a coward that he couldn’t stand at a deserted tube station and kiss a beautiful boy.

Merlin’s right hand worked its way between Arthur’s arm and side until it was solid against the center of his back while his left traveled back up along Arthur’s neck until it cradled the side of his head and coaxed it back upright until he was looking at Merlin once again.

“I think it was worth it.”

Arthur didn’t want to tell Merlin how far he’d come for that kiss. It was too pathetic, and sad, the amount of time and distance that brought Arthur to that moment. Instead of saying anything he kissed Merlin. He wanted to be worth it over and over again.

Merlin held him close and walked them both to his bedroom. It was only a few steps but Arthur was thankful it wasn’t more. He wanted Merlin, wanted the moment, so badly that any distance seemed too far. He sighed against Merlin’s lips when he felt the edge of Merlin’s bed against the backs of his legs. Another step would have been torture.

Merlin pushed him to sit down on the edge of the bed and then moved to stand between his legs. Arthur held Merlin’s hips as he held Arthur’s face in his hands and looked down at him. Arthur felt as if Merlin was maybe seeing more than he wanted him to see in that moment and he wanted to look away but Merlin smoothed his thumbs across Arthur’s forehead, just above his eyebrows, and all he felt was relief.

“You look like you need a bit of fun,” Merlin said, and although he meant for it to sound light, to Arthur’s ears it sounded sort of sad as if Merlin realized just how far Arthur’s life had slipped from that very simple concept. Merlin’s thumbs slid down the sides of his nose. “Where did all your fun go?” he asked quietly.

Arthur kissed Merlin’s thumbs when they pressed against his lips. “I don’t know,” he answered honestly.

Merlin kept looking at him far too closely but then he let his hands fall from Arthur’s face as he said, “We’ll have fun tonight, you’ll see.”

Arthur believed him.

“I once fucked a guy that wanted me to make monkey noises when I came,” Merlin said. His tone was completely normal, conversational, as if he’d just told Arthur the weather.

“What?” Arthur laughed.

Merlin shrugged. “I’m just saying; I can be fun, kooky, a barrel of laughs.”

Arthur kept laughing and Merlin broke down and joined him.

“I’m serious though,” he said between puffs of laughter. “Actual fucking monkey noises. I didn’t know what to do, I mean fucking hell.”

“Did you do it?”

“Did I make monkey noises while I came all over his face, you mean?” Merlin asked. “Hell yeah I did. I like to think I rocked his world, or at least his monkey cage.”

“Oh, thank god,” Arthur said. “I was afraid to ask for dolphin noises but now that I know you’ll be cool about it I’m feeling much better about the whole thing.”

Merlin just looked at him for a second or two before bursting out laughing. Arthur didn’t know what possessed him to say that, to even joke, he had no idea he was capable of it at a time like that, but before he knew it Merlin was tackling him back onto the bed while making what Arthur could only assume was his version of a dolphin’s mating call. Arthur laughed until his sides hurt and told Merlin he’d have to practice more if he was ever hoping to fulfill him sexually.

They ended up on their sides facing each other as their exhausted laughter died in little puffs of half laughs and amused sighs. Merlin leaned into him and pressed a kiss to his lips.

“You’re brilliant, aren’t you?” Merlin asked and Arthur kissed him back because at that moment he felt as if he were.

Merlin moved to straddle him, slipped his hands under Arthur’s shirt and ran them up and down the bare skin of his stomach and chest. The touch was perfect and it was everything Arthur had been craving for so long but never let himself have. He’d only ever had bits and pieces of what he really wanted. He had no idea how to just let himself _go_.

It was outside of Arthur’s comprehension to find himself laughing, naked, his skin moving against Merlin’s as Merlin straddled him, rode his cock with a smooth turn of his hips, with a smile just as wide and a laugh just as clear as Arthur’s. He’d never had such fond touches and obvious delight, had never felt such lightness in his chest where before had only been heaviness. He felt stupidly giddy at the same time he felt embarrassingly slow for having taken twenty-six years to feel such a thing.

But Arthur realized, as Merlin dropped down onto his chest afterward with an exhausted sputter of laughter and an idiotic attempt at a dolphin noise, it had taken twenty-six years to stumble upon Merlin so it made sense, in the end.

~*~

Arthur woke up before Merlin and he wanted to stay forever in the little cocoon of blankets and mismatched sheets they had made sometime during the night but he had to head to the toilet before he burst.

He cursed when his bare feet touched the cold wood of the floor. He tried to be as quick and quiet as he could and sneak out without waking Merlin but halfway to the door he heard Merlin’s voice.

“Stop right there.”

Arthur froze. “Oh god. What?”

Merlin just hummed and stretched beneath his pile of blankets. “No reason, just want to enjoy the view a bit longer.”

Arthur felt a flush of heat rush over his face and down his neck and chest. He was naked, in a virtual stranger’s flat no less. He was barely ever naked in his own. He had a sudden overwhelming desire to hide behind something.

Merlin must have noticed the pained look of discomfort on his face because he sat up and looked at Arthur. “You’re kidding me, right?”

“Maybe?” Arthur said, confused. “Or maybe not, I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“You. Embarrassed and nearly crawling out of your skin standing there. I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that you’re utterly clueless that you’re fucking gorgeous.”

“I’m not,” Arthur insisted. “Embarrassed, I mean, I just. I don’t know. I don’t do this kind of thing usually.”

“You’d never be able to tell,” Merlin said. “You hide it so well.”

Arthur was about to say an automatic ‘thank you’ but then he realized what Merlin had said, and the way he said it. He felt himself blush all over again.

“Shut up.”

“Oh my god, you’re adorable,” Merlin said. “Come back to bed, I want to cuddle you. You’re like a fucking kitten for fuck sake.”

“No,” Arthur laughed.

“Yes!” Merlin insisted as he waved Arthur over to him. “Come back to bed.”

“I’ve got to pee.” Arthur lowered his voice on the last word which only made Merlin laugh more loudly.

“Fucking hurry up then and get back into this bed with me.”

Arthur snorted with laughter and turned to hurry to the toilet with Merlin yelling at him the entire time. When he made it back to the bedroom Merlin held up the blankets and Arthur nearly dove back into the bed beside him, laughing the entire time for no reason other than happiness.

~*~

They were on their sides facing one another. Arthur had reached out to take Merlin’s hand in his and hold it against his chest. Merlin stretched his fingers in Arthur’s grasp before curling them around his hand.

“What’s your story then?” Merlin asked quietly.

“What do you mean? I haven’t got a story.”

“I’m afraid you do. A painfully repressed one if I have the right of it.” Merlin made a point of looking Arthur straight in the eyes.

“It’s nothing,” Arthur insisted.

Merlin brushed his index finger against Arthur’s chest. “If you say so.”

Arthur closed his eyes. “I’m sorry. I know I’m not the normal sort you probably know.”

“Arthur.” Merlin’s voice was still quiet but it was rich with amusement too. “What ever gave you the impression that I associate with anyone even bordering on normal?”

Arthur smiled. “I really haven’t a clue.”

“Pretty fucking daft of you, I’d say.”

“Agreed.” Arthur smiled at Merlin again but he didn’t notice, his eyes were focused on their clasped hands.

They were quiet for a while and Merlin didn’t press the issue any further. It was his lack of insistence for information that made Arthur want to tell him everything.

“My father doesn’t approve,” Arthur finally said.

Merlin looked back up at Arthur. “Do you hide for him?”

“Mostly.” Arthur paused as he thought about how to answer the question truthfully. It wasn’t only his father that made him hide and as much as he told himself he was the reason for everything, for the way his life had turned out, it wasn’t the complete truth.

Merlin seemed to sense that there was more to Arthur’s answer so he waited.

“I hide for myself too. I let myself become ashamed.” Merlin brushed the fingers of his free hand along the curve of Arthur’s neck. “Somehow I let the things he said to me turn me into a coward. I didn’t want to be the vile things he called me.”

“But you’re not a coward now,” Merlin said as he let his fingers trail down Arthur’s chest. “Right now you’re here with me.”

“I was terrified to walk into that club, you know.”

Merlin smiled to himself. “I could tell. You were like a little lamb to the slaughter. A big, bright, shiny beacon to all the wolves prowling around in that place.”

“I knew I looked a fool.”

“You looked beautiful,” Merlin said. “And terrified. I knew the second I saw you I had better swoop in and snatch you up before you fell into less savory hands.”

“Aren’t you the knight in shining armour?”

Merlin laughed. “Hardly. I was surprised as fuck when you said yes, I never thought you would. It sort of threw me off, to be perfectly honest.”

“You didn’t look it.”

“Well I was.”

“It was your smile,” Arthur said.

“Hm? What?”

“Your smile. It’s what made me say yes. You could get anything you wanted with that smile.”

“Flattery will get you everywhere,” Merlin said, then looked down between them. “And look, here you are, naked and in my bed, so there you go.”

Arthur reached out for Merlin and pulled him closer, kissed him slow and lazy and all the while thought he’d never tasted anything so sweet.

“You can stay longer, can’t you?” Merlin asked.

Arthur nodded. He had given himself the weekend and he was going to swim through every minute of it right there in Merlin’s bed if he’d let him.

Merlin moved over him and kissed him on the bridge of his nose. “I think,” he said between more kisses, “that we should only leave this bed to get food and drink and to pee. There’s no other reason for it. And I also think that you should be absolutely starkers for the entirety. No clothes for you ever again.” 

“Oh god,” Arthur said as he pulled the blankets over his head and tried to hide from Merlin.

“Uh-uh, no you don’t,” Merlin said as he grabbed at the blankets and fought with Arthur to pull them back down. When he finally did manage to reveal Arthur’s face it was flushed with embarrassment. “I just cannot get over you.”

“I’m sorry,” Arthur said. “This is just so strange to me.”

Merlin sat back on his knees next to Arthur. “He really did a number on you, didn’t he?”

Arthur touched Merlin’s knee and looked up at him. “I’m such a mess,” he admitted. “Such a fucking mess.”

“You know what the brilliant thing about a mess is though?” Merlin asked before leaning down close to Arthur’s face and answering his own question. “It can be cleaned up.”

Arthur shook his head. “I gave myself this one weekend. I’ve had so little experience with this but I had to allow myself this one small thing.”

“Why only give yourself one weekend?”

“I figured if I had one weekend to myself I could gather up the courage to do what I have to do.”

“What do you have to do, Arthur?”

Merlin sounded so sincere, so troubled by Arthur’s words, that a flash of anger went through him. He pushed himself up and away from Merlin and sat on the edge of the bed, elbows on his knees and his head in his hands.

“I have to live my life, Merlin, _that’s_ what I have to do. I have to be the son my father expects of me, take over the company, marry the right girl and be kind to her because she deserves that much and I thought -.” Arthur stopped and took a breath. “I thought if I got this out of my system I could do all of that, that I could -.”

“Could what?” Merlin asked as he pressed himself against Arthur’s back, wrapped his arms around him. “Could spend your life pretending to be someone you’re not? Could spend it absolutely miserable and unhappy?”

Arthur felt the truth of Merlin’s words sink down deep into him. He’d always felt the weight of expectations bear down on him and it hurt anew to have it pointed out to him, to have it said aloud.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Arthur said as he shrugged off Merlin’s embrace and turned to look back at him. “Can we just forget about everything that reminds us of real life and just be stupid and oblivous? Just for now?”

Merlin leaned in and pressed his forehead against Arthur’s. “I can do stupid,” he said.

Arthur laughed softly. “Tell me every stupid thing you know.”

~*~

“Are you sure we have enough?” Arthur teased as he looked at the cartons of food spread out over the bed between them.

Merlin grinned. “Maybe. I got one of everything. I didn’t know what you liked.”

“Uh, right here, Merlin,” Arthur said as he raised his arm over his head and pointed down at himself. “Could’ve asked.”

“But what’s the fun in that when I could just call the restaurant and say, ‘one of everything, mate!’ It was pretty exciting actually.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“You should try it sometime, and when you feel the rush you’ll take back that ridiculous comment. You’ll come crawling to me telling me how right, how wise I was and I’ll nod benevolently and say, ‘Yes, Arthur, I am wise. You’d do well to follow my teachings,’ and then we could start a cult. I’ve always wanted to be a cult leader.”

“I’ll join your cult,” Arthur said, “but I won’t shave my head, solicit people door-to-door or in airports, nor will I dance naked around a bonfire.”

“Well, fuck it then. You just managed to take all the joy out of cults, well done. What’s the point if you’re not going to do any of the fun stuff?” Merlin asked as he took a bite out of a new carton. Arthur saw the look of pleasure cross his face as he moaned and shoved a forkful in Arthur’s direction. “Oh my god, try this. So so good.”

Arthur leaned in and took a bite as Merlin grinned at him and wiped at the corner of Arthur’s mouth with his thumb.

“Mm? Right?” Merlin asked.

Arthur could only nod around the mouthful of food and Merlin took that as a sign to shove more in. Arthur was trying to chew and swallow without choking and laugh all at the same time. Food went everywhere and Merlin only laughed and tried to give him another forkful.

“Come on, open up,” Merlin grinned.

“Get’way,” Arthur sputtered.

Merlin laughed and shoved the food in his own mouth instead. Arthur finished chewing his food then reached across to pull Merlin toward him for a kiss. He was so happy in that moment, just sitting in bed eating take away and being more content than he could ever remember being. Merlin was so easy, like a breath of fresh air.

It was only then that Arthur realized how long he’d been drowning.

~*~

“Who was the first boy you kissed?”

Merlin’s voice drifted up to Arthur from the foot of the bed. He was lying with his head at the end of the bed and his feet in Arthur’s lap. Arthur was sitting with his back to the headboard as he pressed his thumbs into the sole of Merlin’s foot. Every once in a while Arthur would hit a ticklish spot and Merlin would sputter out an almost giggle. Arthur could hardly stand how stupidly adorable it was.

“Was it someone called Sir Alistair Wimbley-Coxcomb the third?

“Close,” Arthur said. “His name was Elliott Smith.”

“God. So boring. I’m disappointed. I imagined you being very posh and filthy while fulfilling my public school boy fantasies. Someone called Elliott Smith can hardly do that.”

“Well, we were both at Harrow if that helps.”

“Only just,” Merlin said as he grinned at Arthur. “Now tell me all the dirty bits.”

“There aren’t any dirty bits, only embarrassing and soul-crushing bits.”

“Well tell me those too,” Merlin said. “Might as well get it all out there, cathartic and all that.”

“Do you want us to hold hands and sing while we do it?” Arthur asked.

Merlin shrugged. “Depends on the song.”

Arthur rolled his eyes and lightly brushed his finger along the side of Merlin’s foot that he’d discovered was ticklish. Merlin barked out a laugh and kicked him. Arthur quickly grabbed Merlin’s foot with both hands and held on.

“Aren’t you embarrassed by how ticklish you are? I can practically make you giggle like a little girl. Very embarrassing if you ask me,” Arthur teased him.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m absolutely ashamed. Not carry on with your story. Don’t think I can be so easily distracted.”

Arthur raised a disbelieving eyebrow at him but continued on with his story anyway.

“You’ll be glad to know it was extremely humiliating because I was nearly seventeen and utterly clueless, plus I was bloody awful at it.”

“Everyone’s awful their first go.”

“But it wasn’t my first kiss, I’d kissed girls by then so there really wasn’t any excuse as to why I was so dreadful at it.”

Merlin shook his head and raised himself up on his elbows to look at Arthur.

“It doesn’t matter if you kissed a thousand girls before you kissed him,” Merlin said. “They weren’t what you wanted, they weren’t who you were meant to be kissing. He was your first proper kiss. The one that thrilled you down to your toes and turned your insides to mush, the first one that felt real. Right?”

“It was still complete shite though.”

Merlin smiled at him. “But sort of earth-shattering all the same.”

“I didn’t know who I was until that moment,” Arthur paused. “Well, I did know, I’ve always known, but it wasn’t until I kissed him that I realized it fully.”

“A wonderful sort of insanity, isn’t it?” Merlin asked.

“You’ve got the insanity bit right.”

Merlin pulled his feet out of Arthur’s lap and sat up properly. “Alright,” he said, “first kiss taken care of so onto the next. First hand job?”

“Elliott.”

“First blow job?”

“Elliot.”

“I’m sensing a pattern here,” Merlin teased. “Well done though, not letting a shite first kiss get you down.”

“Shut up.” Arthur blushed. “We were roommates with a lot of time alone in the dark, what did you expect?”

“Well what I’m expecting right now are the sweaty, grope-y parts. And don’t scrimp on the details, set the mood now.”

Arthur shoved Merlin and grinned. “You’re not getting a single detail.”

“I told you all about my firsts.”

“And acted them out as well, thanks for that.”

“I know how to tell a story,” Merlin said. “You, on the other hand, are crap.”

“I think I can live with that.”

“If you must, though it must be very dull for you.”

“I’m known for my dull banality.” Arthur tried at joking, but the truth of it hit a little too close to home and Merlin saw it.

“No,” he said as he crawled into Arthur’s lap and took Arthur’s face in his hands. “I don’t think that’s true at all. The people that think that don’t know you.” Merlin’s fingers drew lines over Arthur’s cheeks. “It makes me sad that they don’t.”

Arthur leaned in and kissed the hollow at the base of Merlin’s neck. It was soft and warm and smelled so entirely of him that after the kiss Arthur simply pressed his nose against the skin there and inhaled Merlin. He wanted to tell Merlin that somehow everything that he was on the inside, all the things about him he kept hidden, were suddenly stepping forward in Merlin’s presence. It was inexplicable to him how Merlin did it, but with every minute he spent with Merlin he felt more and more himself.

“It makes me sad too,” Arthur said, his lips pressed against Merlin’s skin. “And tired. It makes me so tired.”

“What would happen if you just stopped being sad?” Merlin asked.

Arthur looked up at him. “You can’t just stop being sad, you can’t wake up one day and say to yourself that you aren’t going to be sad anymore. It doesn’t work that way.”

“It could,” Merlin insisted. “You could just walk away from all the things that pull the sadness down over you. Just walk away, Arthur.”

Merlin had started running his fingers through Arthur’s hair and he closed his eyes at the touch, leaned against Merlin’s neck. Merlin made it sound simple, and Arthur wanted to tell him not to be so naive, but he couldn’t bring himself to say the words. He wanted Merlin to stay as he was so Arthur could believe just as he did. At least for a little while.

But instead of saying all of the things he wanted to say to Merlin he wrapped his arms around Merlin’s waist and kissed him, laid him back onto the bed and stretched himself across his body. Arthur tried to cover every piece of Merlin, to touch every part of him as they kissed, their skin having become familiar with each others touch.

When Arthur pressed down into Merlin’s heat and felt him arch beneath him, heard him ask for more, Arthur thought for just a moment that maybe it was simple after all.

~*~

Arthur woke up Sunday morning to the sound of Merlin puttering around in the kitchen. He thought about the fact that in his flat he’d never hear anyone puttering around in the kitchen, that it would always feel too large and too lonely. It would never feel lived in or as comfortable as a Sunday morning.

Merlin came around the corner with two mismatched mugs in his hand, one of which he gave to Arthur, and a plate of toast.

“I didn’t know how you took your tea so you get it how I take it.”

“You’re a terrible host,” Arthur said but took a sip just the same.

“I know,” Merlin said cheerfully. “And I burnt the toast. Well, at least the pieces that are yours.”

“Hm,” Arthur hummed as he looked at the plate Merlin had set between them. “How do you figure they’re my pieces.”

“Because you happen to love burnt toast?” Merlin asked hopefully.

Arthur picked up the worst piece of the bunch and took a big bite. “It’s my favorite,” he managed to get out around a mouthful.

Merlin laughed and kissed the corner of his mouth before digging into his own piece.

They ate in silence until there were only crumbs and a stray piece of crust left on the plate. Merlin picked up the plate and set it on the floor next to the bed along with both of their mugs before lying down on his back and focusing his stare on the ceiling. Arthur scooted closer to Merlin and hooked an arm over his waist.

“We should probably have a bath, we both fucking stink,” Merlin said.

“Insert one comical remark about man musk here,” Arthur said.

Merlin laughed. “Yeah, exactly.”

They fell into another comfortable silence. Merlin was gently scratching up and down Arthur’s back and he had just about fallen back asleep when Merlin spoke again.

“When do you have to go?” he asked quietly.

“I’m expected at an early meeting tomorrow morning,” Arthur said, avoiding answering the question completely.

Merlin made sort of a humming sound to acknowledge Arthur but he didn’t ask the question again. After a while he asked, “Bath then?”

“Yeah, sure,” Arthur said as he slowly pulled away from Merlin and stretched his arms above his head.

Merlin got up and started heading toward the bathroom. “It’s a tragic excuse for a tub, let me tell you that straight off.”

Merlin voice was slightly muffled at the end as he fiddled around in the bathroom so Arthur spoke a bit louder than normal to be heard.

“I’ve been duly warned.”

Merlin had been right, the bathtub was tragic and far too small for the both of them. Arthur admitted his disappointment to himself as he thought of his large bath at home that would be perfect for the both of them, but that was his other world and this was apart from all of that.

They took turns bathing while the other sat on the closed toilet seat and read out loud. Merlin had been reading _A Brave New World_ so Arthur just picked up where Merlin had shoved a receipt for a pack of gum and bananas. Merlin joked it was lucky it hadn’t been the weekend prior when he’d been reading _Bridget Jones’s Diary_. Arthur had only smiled and kept on reading.

When Arthur was bathing Merlin kept one hand draped over the edge of the tub, his fingers dipped into the water so that every time Arthur moved his left leg it would brush against the tips. Arthur’s toes and fingertips pruned and the water turned tepid then flat out cold as he brushed his leg against those fingertips and listened to the sound of Merlin’s voice.

The rest of the day went by far too quickly for Arthur’s liking. Merlin told him more outlandish stories and also a few things Arthur was certain he’d never told anyone else because during the telling of them his voice was much less sure but his eyes were wide and clear and focused solely on Arthur. They’d played a game of Old Maid when Merlin found a deck of cards while digging through his nightstand drawer and he cheated horribly. Arthur ended their argument about it by taking Merlin in his mouth. He tried to make it last forever, he teased Merlin and drew it out so long that Merlin was practically in tears by the time he finally came as Arthur rested his head on the inside of his thigh and watched. And when they devoured the rest of the take away Arthur nearly cried himself once he realized it was all gone because it somehow meant so much more than a half dozen empty cartons.

When it got to be later than either one of them wanted it to be they kept dancing around the issue, the leaving. Arthur would kiss Merlin like he was never going to stop and Merlin would insist on taking out his book again for just one more chapter. Back and forth it went; one delaying while the other happily let him.

They were at the point when the excuses had run out and the last trains of the night would be leaving when Arthur whispered against Merlin’s lips that he wanted Merlin to fuck him, to be inside him and make him forget.

Arthur had never had anyone else, not that way, and he knew Merlin knew so he didn’t say anything at all. It hurt more than he was expecting and for a long while it was unbearably awkward, but then his arms and legs figured out where to go and he found just the right way to lift his hips with the sway and push of Merlin’s and it turned into something else entirely.

He didn’t cry out when he came or see flashes of light or anything so grand, he just came with a rush and a quiet shudder, and Merlin’s name on his lips.

They said their goodbyes at Merlin’s door because Arthur didn’t think he could let Merlin walk him out, let him escape their little island they had built over the past two days. Arthur stood in his clothes from Friday night and Merlin in a pair of pyjama bottoms and a sweatshirt about three sizes too large. Arthur was fascinated by Merlin’s bare toes peeking out from the frayed cuffs of his pyjamas and Merlin wouldn’t let go of his hand.

“Think about who you really are, Arthur,” Merlin whispered in his ear when Arthur pulled him tightly to his chest for one last hug before he dragged himself away.

He nodded his head but didn’t promise Merlin anything because he couldn’t bear the thought of lying to him.

As he rode the train back to where he’d left his car, hoping it would still be there, he counted the stops and silently cursed them for rushing by too quickly and for bringing him that much farther away from where he wanted to be.

_~*~ Three Months Later ~*~_

Arthur found himself thinking as he counted the train stops in reverse order from the last time he’d counted them. It had taken him far too long to get to where he was, and there were things still left unresolved, but he had thought about it all, just as Merlin said he should, and he wanted to make sure Merlin knew that. He didn’t dare expect anything from him but he wanted him to know all the same.

He thought Merlin would like to know.

His hand shook when he knocked on Merlin’s door and when Merlin opened it all he wanted to do was press his nose against the curve of his neck and breathe him in, but he managed to keep his feet planted where they were and to say what he needed to say.

“I know it’s been too long and it’s stupid to think you’re alone, so I don’t expect anything, but I wanted you to know I thought about it,” Arthur said as he stood in front of Merlin in his doorway.

Arthur didn’t know what else to say, and he didn’t know what he expected Merlin to say either, so when Merlin took a step toward him and wrapped him in his arms all he could feel was a sense of relief so strong it nearly buckled his knees.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Merlin said, his breath warm against Arthur’s ear. “I’ve been saving the rest of the book until you came back and I’m dying to see how it ends.”

 

~End


End file.
